I Won't Let Him Bring Me Down

I'm One of my childhood friends launched a new campaign called #dontwastehappy. She has a link on her website where you can download a sign, fill in what you won't let bring you down, hashtag it & upload it on Facebook & Instagram. I love the idea, especially since I have had this thought on my mind for a while. This is the first time I have opened up about this subject. Even some of my closest friends don't know this about me. Its time to let this go, open up & move on.

It took me 21 years to find our the truth about you. Half of that time I spent my efforts on the wrong person. You have defined who I am for too long, that of course was my fault, I didn't know any better. Too long have I let you control my thoughts, my actions, made me doubt who I am, or why I am here. You have made me feel worthless, unloved & undeserving of love. It has taken me 23 years to stand here today & say you no longer have any control over me.

24 years ago you & your friends decided to take my birth mom's choice away, after Christmas, on her way back home from a vacation. It's something you think only happens in movies, that it could never happen to you or someone you know. As if what you did to her wasn't enough, she later found out the nightmare wasn't over. Part of you was growing in her, soon to arrive in nine short months. Yes I feel guilty being mad at her, blaming her that she didn't want or love me. It took me a long time to realize that I couldn't be more wrong. It could have been so easy for her to hate you, to hate what you did to her & to abort her new growing baby. She wanted the best for me as it took a while for me to understand, she wanted me to grow up religious, with a great family, & I hope she knows that is exactly what happened to me.

I imagine her looking at my parents file. With their picture in it & their wonderful heart warming story. She didn't know how happy she would make this couple, who had been waiting almost 15 years for a child. Child after child was offered but not my mother's dream baby girl. They had heart break after heart break until one day my mom would have her dream come true. Two months before she was ready to give up for good. No one except someone who has gone through it can imagine how hard it is to give up a child. They do it out of love, I thought she did it because she hated you & me. Because she was ashamed of me, I would just be a reoccurring thought of what you did to her, that her worst nightmare still wasn't over. Now I understand it was done out of pure love.

When I was 21 I wanted to finally know more about her, so I went to the adoption agency & what did I find, a page full of nothing. All the progress I made over the years went out the window as I spent many sleepless nights thinking why she didn't want to know me. I blamed you again, hating you for what you did to her. You made her hate me. It took my loving husband to bring me back & remind me thats not true. We might never know why she doesn't want to know me or if she even had a chance to know me. But that is not what is important. What is important is she made the ultimate sacrifice. She gave me to a couple who really wanted me. Who prayed, who cried, who got angry because they couldn't have their own child. She made their dreams come true & if they are happy, I'm happy.

Now I stand here, 23 years later. I look at my husband & think how did I end up with such an amazing man. I don't feel worthy of him sometimes. He gave me my beautiful son who is my entire world. I look at him & can't imagine having to give him up I love him so much. I now know it was not easy for my birth mom to do. I am so blessed to have my family, my son, my soon to be child. I have my wonderful parents who sacrificed so much for me. They are the ones who love me too, they turned me into the women I am today. I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for them. They raised me with good morals, goals & have taught me everything they know so I can carry it with my family. You may have contributed to my birth, but you have nothing to do with who I am.

So I guess I'm here to say thank you. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be here. You may not know I exisit. You will never know the women I turned out to be. You will never know the sacfice my birth mom made. I am done hating you. I am done having you define who I am, I define myself now. I am who I want to be. I am proud of my life, my goals, my accomplishments & I am proud to stand up & say as of today, I won't let you bring me down.